I realise this might be a sensitive topic to some including those who have infertility problems or whose partners do not want to have children. However, I am in neither position so I can only give the viewpoint which is my own.
First, while a social work student I noticed many of my professors who had worked with children but did not have kids of their own - yet many were in long term relationships with a significant other. At first I was surprised, how could people who loved to help children not have any of their own?
However, as I began to get involved with the nitty gritty of social work I realised how much of myself I had to give for my job and how jaded I was slowly becoming. Crises and extreme situations began to be my norm and I realised if I was to have a child of my own it would take a conscious effort not to bring my work home with me. But I also wondered, how do you have anything left to give to others after you've given, given, given at work all day?
Yet, at the beginning of my social work career I continued to be hopeful that one day I would have children. If not with a partner (which I always considered risky), then I could look at other options. However, having my own children biologically never really appealed to me and the process of adoption seemed intrusive. I went back and forth though between international and domestic adoption but I realised the expenses would be too much for me if I adopted outside the country. Then there was adopting through the foster care system. Some colleagues were supportive while others thought that it would be very risky given many of these children's pasts. But I remained convinced that because of my educational and work experience I had additional tools that many potential adoptive parents do not have. Then again, I was still hoping for a child not tremendously affected by their past experiences (which I know is rare).
At some point after thinking about adoption for several years I finally decided I was ready. But it's funny how life can get in the way right when you are about to make a big decision. As a result of some serious life events the concept of adoption had to be put on hold for me. I was devastated. All that preparing, weighing the pros and cons, reading about adoption and looking at discussion boards was - I don't even know what word to use. I don't want to say it was a mistake since I learnt a lot of useful information but now it seemed in a way irrelevant.
As I slowly began to get my life on track again I did a lot of soul searching about many areas of my life. I looked at the types of social work jobs I had in the past and which aspects of those jobs worked, and which didn't. I also thought about the type of future I wanted, how busy I wanted to be and how much peace and quiet I wanted in my life. Also, I began to realise how busy Bella kept me - either taking her for daily walks, cleaning up after her occasional messes, having to constantly get up when she barks because she wants a toy that is out of reach or she hears something outside, and needing to wake up in the middle of the night when she has to go to the bathroom. In a word, sometimes taking care of Bella is exhausting and I can't even image how much more busier I would be if I had a child. Taking them to activities, attending school meetings, helping with homework, preparing several healthy meals a day and spending a lot of time with them when they are sick, needy or just want my attention. Sigh. It was then that I came to the realisation that although I enjoy spending time with kids and I like being a role model to them, I think I actually loved the concept of having a child more than actually wanting to raise my own child.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. So there went all my planning out the window, my hopes for a future with a child. But I have to be honest with myself - I am not ready for a child now and I may never be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good mother. I am a perfectionist so whatever job I need to tackle, I have to do my best at it no matter what. But I know that deep down, I do not have the energy and patience it takes to raise a child until they are eighteen. I enjoy my naps and doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I also like having my own money and spending it on what I want and only cleaning up after myself. I like the idea of being able to move on a whim without being concerned that it would be hard on my child. Also, on very busy days with Bella I sometimes long for the days when I was pet-free, however she does enrich my life and I am less lonely now than before I got her. It's a trade off but I think having a dog is about as much responsibility I can have right now over another living creature.
Is this easy to accept for me? Not always. It's hard giving up a dream even if you know it was the best decision to make. I think what really nailed it for me was when I had big changes in my life that I had to deal with and I learnt finally that I needed to put my own needs first. For many years I was so focused on helping others that I would often neglect myself. Now working on my own self-awareness is my new goal and I can't believe how much I am learning about myself. This wouldn't have been very likely if I had a child in my life since it's hard to find time just for yourself when you are a parent. I now try and focus on new possibilities for my life even if they don't include having children. That could mean volunteering, taking more adventurous trips or continuing to work on my writing. All I know is that this situation has been made easier by my family who have never pressured me for grandchildren. And I want to thank them for that, because it's made making this decision easier.
In closing all I can say is that this is a very individual and personal choice that one has to make at some point in their life. It is not easy and the decision can be swayed by the type of career you have, which was the case for me. But even if you decide not to have children, know that you are making a difference everyday in the lives of others with the work that you do.
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