Saturday 26 April 2014

Fitting In

Happy April Dear Readers!

It has been a long winter here in Canada and if you can believe it we actually got snow this week where I live!  But I am hoping May will be a lot warmer since I am having a harder and harder time remembering what summer feels like!

Work was especially busy this week and combined with a lot of social engagements I found my depression creeping in.  I am lucky in that I recognize it and that the negative feelings usually don't last any longer than a day or two.  But to me it's a sign there is not enough rest time included in my schedule to relax and recharge.  I especially need more quiet time in the evenings when I am having a challenging time at work.  Unfortunately, I get both physical and emotional symptoms of stress which can include not being able to sleep, having chest pains, not being hungry, getting headaches, being irritable and so on.  I was mentioning some of these symptoms to my Mom and she suggested I just change my way of thinking.  I am aware of the benefits of cognitive behavioural therapy but to be honest I believe my personality is the greatest factor.  I just do not handle conflict well at work (although in my personal life it's not too bad - likely because the issues are more complex at work).  I know that I will eventually get through the situation and I'll be professional but it just takes so much out of me.  I can see now that I should never have gotten into the field of social work since it involves at TON of conflict but I wanted to help people so badly.  Instead I realized I am content to help others in my daily life i.e. standing up for someone when I see an injustice happen or helping friends with career or life issues.  I have realized that anyone can make it their mantra to help others and it doesn't necessarily have to involve working in a helping field.

But alas, on to the topic at hand - fitting in at the office.  As it goes, with any job in an office setting there are politics at various levels such as between co-workers or with management.  Every person has their own agenda - to just put in their time so they can get a pay check, to climb the career ladder and step over whoever is in their way to get there, to gain experience and then move on, or those in limbo who are not quite sure what they want to do next so they stay until they figure out their next move (I fall into this group and I believe many others do as well).  And within those groups you get different personality types such as leaders, introverts (me!), extroverts, drama queens, geeks (me!) and so on.

It is challenging when you first start a job since you don't know who fits into which group and what their personality type is.  And how you interact with each type is very important so you don't cause any waves.  This was a hard lesson I had to learn when I first started at my organization but I have since gotten better at filtering what I say and only showing my quirkiness to the direct group of people I work with (who luckily accept me as I am).  But the field of social work in general is full of very social people who flourish in group settings and enjoy debating the world of "grey."  To me "grey" refers to the policies which are not firm or clear enough to give you a direct answer as to how assist your client within the parameters of the program you work for.  I hate it when "grey" situations come up at the office since I can always see both sides and my opinion can greatly waver depending on the latest point either my supervisor or co-workers make.  In general, I hate the feeling of being wishy-washy and it makes me feel like a weak worker.  I can sprout historical case facts and other relevant data like nobody else (sometimes I joke at work that I am borderline Asperger's) but for sure the vagueness does not make me feel comfortable.

At these times I just wish I was given a stack of manageable, uncomplicated work to do which I could accomplish independently.  But people are messy and when you work in the field of helping others their are emotions and opinions to consider. My Mom suggested to me today that I just leave my organization and get a job working in a back office somewhere (she was not joking and meant it honestly).  There are moments when I think she has a point but any jobs like that would require a serious pay cut and a huge reduction in human contact.  I still want to have co-workers but I admit it would be nice losing the helpless feeling that comes when you can't help your clients like you want to and on the flip side no longer having irrational or angry clients to deal with.  But I have read enough career blogs and articles to know there is no perfect job out there.  And some of the best advice I have read lately is to not have a job which you are passionate about (since it can ruin your love of it) but to instead be in a field that caters to your strengths.  I have no doubt that I have gained some valuable experience as a social worker over the years and that there might be some higher up jobs (but not management) that would allow me to use this knowledge in a helpful way.  Nonetheless, I truly believe I am on the way out of front line social work since there are too many negatives to it, at least for me.  But them the question becomes where would I have the better fit?  It feels like there is as many possibilities as there are directions.

Happy Pondering,

Patti