Animals have always been a part of my life. Since I was a child we had a cat, dogs, hamsters, a guinea pig and a rabbit. In my early 20's I got my own dog (who is still living with my parents) and then as I moved away to start my new career as a social worker I got my small dog Bella.
Eventually Tucker, a larger dog, got added to the family. Things stayed fairly consistent with the two dogs and then about five months ago I rescued Hurley the cat from an animal shelter.
As I have mentioned in a previous post, I do not have children and I often wonder if I ever will. My current social work job involves significant travel but overall it's a good fit for me and I cannot see myself giving up this job to start a family in the near future. I am just not in a place in my life where I want the added responsibility and financial stress of having children.
Therefore, my animals are like my children. They give me a lift at the end of the day when I return home from work tired. I pet them and I can instantly feel my blood pressure lower and my breathing slow down. Their presence helps to melt away my anxiety.
Recently though, I had to make a difficult decision when it came to my animals. I had to give away Bella and Tucker. Bella was constantly having accidents in my home, she consistently barked at any little noise and she and Tucker would often play fight rowdily. There was little calm in my home, especially with Tucker being so destructive as I would often come home to a mess.
I thought about my options for a couple of months when it came to the dogs. I loved them, and I always will, but I felt that they were exasperating my depression and I was becoming more and more agitated with their behaviour. So, about three weeks ago I found new homes for Bella and Tucker. It was incredibly painful and I could only tell my family about it after I did it. In many was I felt like a failure, like I had let my dogs down. However, I also knew that with my depression I had little motivation to walk them as much as I should and that emotionally there was little left I felt I could give them at the end of the day. It was especially hard letting go of Bella, and I felt - and still do - a lot of guilt about giving her away. When I was going through a lot of difficulties last year Bella was with me every step of the way and she helped me get through the tough times. Yet, I was home with her more and able to curb her challenging behaviours by giving her increased supervision. That was just not possible in my new social work job.
There were a lot of tears but I knew that Bella and Tucker would be in new homes where they would be the only dog and would get lots of much needed attention. I decided to keep Hurley because as a cat he is more independent and does not require the same amount of exercise as dogs do. One of my symptoms of depression is hibernating so if I spend the whole day inside, Hurley is alright with that. He is also ok with short bouts of attention as after which he likes to settle down for long naps.
My boyfriend knows how much of an animal lover I am and realizes that caring for a dog is not the type of responsibility that fits with my life right now. He is trying to talk me into getting another cat but I know how having two of the same type of animal can be three times the work. I have visited the local animal shelter and looked at some very nice cats but I feel that Hurley is enjoying his freedom as being the only cat in my home.
Yet, for some reason yesterday when I was in a pet store, I felt drawn to the small animals. When I was younger I had a guinea pig and a rabbit, however they require big cages and I just don't have that kind of space in my home. I went to the hamster pen and saw several teddy bear hamsters and one smooth kind. I picked up the smooth haired little guy and held him to me. He seemed quite content to nibble on my jacket zipper and he did not try and leap from my arms. He also had the most expressive eyes. It was not my intention to get a pet when I went into the store but I considered it. I had the space for a hamster cage and I knew that their food and bedding requirements are not very expensive. I also knew that hamsters are social creatures but also independent. I figured I would get much joy out of watching him in his cage and picking him up to pet him. There was no walking required, and no vet checks. Plus, Hurley would have a bit of company while I was at work. So I took the leap and bought the hamster. I quickly prepared his cage when I got home and put him inside. He was content to sleep after his long journey and Hurley was very interested in him as he peered into Gizmo's cage.
I know that my house is complete with Hurley and Gizmo now. There is no room for any more small animal cages and I cannot imagine where I would put another litter box if I got a second cat. I have company and I feel that the attention that Hurley and Gizmo need from me is manageable. I do not have anxiety if I work late, worrying that the animals desperately have to go to the washroom as they wait to be let outside. And getting Gizmo is helping me with the pain of having to let go of Bella and Tucker. I have wonderful memories of them but I also remember the overwhelmed feeling I had when they were here. I believe I have found my manageable balance when it comes to my animals. I look forward to coming home after work, knowing that there will be no destruction or messes waiting for me. It is quieter now since Hurley only meows occasionally and I find the silence helps with my mood.
Animals can make great listeners, and the best thing is you do not have to worry about confidentiality when you debrief with them. They do not judge, they provide unconditional love, and they can give us just the right amount of responsibility. To be responsible for the care of little beings who are dependent on us for everything is humbling - especially considering what they offer us such as decreased risk of high blood pressure, lower chances of a heart attack and being a cure to loneliness. It sounds like more than a fair deal to me.
As always,
Patti
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