Apathy

It's the feeling I try to deny and reject when it comes.  But I can still feel it, lingering under my mask of hopefulness.

So why does apathy come?  Apathy can be a result of an unfavourable decision which you cannot rise above or to an unfavourable situation which you have no control over.  Apathy means the loss of emotional connection to a particular person, organisation or the world.  Apathy overall has a lifeless feeling - like you don't care either way what happens because you have no personal investment to it whatsoever.

I have seen apathy in the social work field when bad things happen to good people and the workers don't care.  Or else the worker has seen so much trauma or horror in a child or family's life that they doubt they can make any difference so they barely try.

To me, the only way you can overcome apathy is to face your fears.  Become concerned with the world again (even if it's just your small part of it), become emotionally involved knowing that your feelings could get hurt, and get interested in your work again by finding new ways to connect with it.

As easy as it is, try not to dwell on the negatives.  As I've learnt they can slowly etch into every aspect of your life until you feel trapped.

No one else has control over our lives except ourselves.  So take the greatest fear that you have and hit it head on.  Hopefully then your moral, emotional and physical paralysis will be smashed!

The Childfree Social Worker

I realise this might be a sensitive topic to some including those who have infertility problems or whose partners do not want to have children.  However, I am in neither position so I can only give the viewpoint which is my own.

First, while a social work student I noticed many of my professors who had worked with children but did not have kids of their own - yet many were in long term relationships with a significant other.  At first I was surprised, how could people who loved to help children not have any of their own?

However, as I began to get involved with the nitty gritty of social work I realised how much of myself I had to give for my job and how jaded I was slowly becoming.  Crises and extreme situations began to be my norm and I realised if I was to have a child of my own it would take a conscious effort not to bring my work home with me.  But I also wondered, how do you have anything left to give to others after you've given, given, given at work all day?

Yet, at the beginning of my social work career I continued to be hopeful that one day I would have children.  If not with a partner (which I always considered risky), then I could look at other options.  However, having my own children biologically never really appealed to me and the process of adoption seemed intrusive.  I went back and forth though between international and domestic adoption but I realised the expenses would be too much for me if I adopted outside the country.  Then there was adopting through the foster care system.  Some colleagues were supportive while others thought that it would be very risky given many of these children's pasts.  But I remained convinced that because of my educational and work experience I had additional tools that many potential adoptive parents do not have.  Then again, I was still hoping for a child not tremendously affected by their past experiences (which I know is rare). 

At some point after thinking about adoption for several years I finally decided I was ready.  But it's funny how life can get in the way right when you are about to make a big decision.  As a result of some serious life events the concept of adoption had to be put on hold for me.  I was devastated.  All that preparing, weighing the pros and cons, reading about adoption and looking at discussion boards was - I don't even know what word to use.  I don't want to say it was a mistake since I learnt a lot of useful information but now it seemed in a way irrelevant.

As I slowly began to get my life on track again I did a lot of soul searching about many areas of my life.  I looked at the types of social work jobs I had in the past and which aspects of those jobs worked, and which didn't.  I also thought about the type of future I wanted, how busy I wanted to be and how much peace and quiet I wanted in my life.  Also, I began to realise how busy Bella kept me - either taking her for daily walks, cleaning up after her occasional messes, having to constantly get up when she barks because she wants a toy that is out of reach or she hears something outside, and needing to wake up in the middle of the night when she has to go to the bathroom.  In a word, sometimes taking care of Bella is exhausting and I can't even image how much more busier I would be if I had a child.  Taking them to activities, attending school meetings, helping with homework, preparing several healthy meals a day and spending a lot of time with them when they are sick, needy or just want my attention.  Sigh.  It was then that I came to the realisation that although I enjoy spending time with kids and I like being a role model to them, I think I actually loved the concept of having a child more than actually wanting to raise my own child.  

Ouch, ouch, ouch.  So there went all my planning out the window, my hopes for a future with a child.  But I have to be honest with myself - I am not ready for a child now and I may never be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good mother.  I am a perfectionist so whatever job I need to tackle, I have to do my best at it no matter what.  But I know that deep down, I do not have the energy and patience it takes to raise a child until they are eighteen.  I enjoy my naps and doing what I want to do when I want to do it.  I also like having my own money and spending it on what I want and only cleaning up after myself.  I like the idea of being able to move on a whim without being concerned that it would be hard on my child.  Also, on very busy days with Bella I sometimes long for the days when I was pet-free, however she does enrich my life and I am less lonely now than before I got her.  It's a trade off but I think having a dog is about as much responsibility I can have right now over another living creature.

Is this easy to accept for me?  Not always.  It's hard giving up a dream even if you know it was the best decision to make.  I think what really nailed it for me was when I had big changes in my life that I had to deal with and I learnt finally that I needed to put my own needs first.  For many years I was so focused on helping others that I would often neglect myself.  Now working on my own self-awareness is my new goal and I can't believe how much I am learning about myself.  This wouldn't have been very likely if I had a child in my life since it's hard to find time just for yourself when you are a parent.  I now try and focus on new possibilities for my life even if they don't include having children.  That could mean volunteering, taking more adventurous trips or continuing to work on my writing.  All I know is that this situation has been made easier by my family who have never pressured me for grandchildren.  And I want to thank them for that, because it's made making this decision easier.

In closing all I can say is that this is a very individual and personal choice that one has to make at some point in their life.  It is not easy and the decision can be swayed by the type of career you have, which was the case for me.  But even if you decide not to have children, know that you are making a difference everyday in the lives of others with the work that you do.

Taking Risks and Making the Leap

I really enjoy this picture.  The woman dives backwards into the beautiful blue water below without even looking down at it.  She has all the faith in the world that the water will meet her when she lands.  In the meantime, she strikes a confident pose as she journeys towards her goal: to dive safely into the water.

I don't think I would look that graceful if you asked me to jump off a diving board.  First, I've never done it and second it would require me to wear a sleek one piece bathing suit - gulp! 

But I imagine this woman felt pretty good when she landed.  She probably felt proud for taking the leap.  She probably also felt a surge of adrenaline when she reached the target.

And that's what taking risks is all about: having an identified goal, preparing for the journey and then making the leap hoping that you will make it to your target point safely.

Some people find taking risks easier than others.  When I was younger I found it extremely difficult because it meant leaving the safety of the known.  I guess in a way even studying social work was a risk since I had limited experience with the field and it required leaving my family while I went to university.  I didn't know one hundred percent how I would feel about the course work, professors or city.  Yet, it all worked out because I was determined to succeed at my degree and I was willing to overcome almost any obstacle because I had already journeyed so far to start my new life.  But for all the hope I had I should have done more research about the school I attended, the types of courses that were offered and the reputation of the city.  It was pure luck that it turned out so well and now I've learnt after making some significant mistakes that you really have to look at all your options before making the leap.

Social work is such a broad field.  There are so many different types of clients you can have, or not have depending on whether or not you do direct practise.  Then you can work in a large city centre or a small town, or for a profit or non-profit agency.  There so many choices depending on each person's preference.  So how and when do you know you should make the leap to a new area or your first area of social work if you are just starting out?

Before making the leap I would suggest asking yourself these questions:

• What do you know about that particular area of social work?  Are there volunteer experiences available at the agency, or can you speak to any current or former employees who have been in that field?
• What are the potential gains of working in that area, such as personal fulfilment, financial rewards etc.  If the pay is not so great is it worth making the leap even if it means you will have to live on a strict budget?
• In regards to your career goals will it take you on a totally new path and does that give you a sense of excitement and hope?  Or does it make you feel extremely nervous and depressed?  If so, this may not be the right time to make your move or it may not be the right area for you.
• What do your family and close friends think of your potential decision?  Do they think you are crazy, an idealist, or a realist?  How do their opinions make you feel?  Self-conscious and uncertain, or unfazed and determined?
• What do you know about the city or town you are planning to move to?  Can you visit it before taking a job there?  Are there online resources you can look at to give you more information about your potential new home?
• How will you feel if your decision fails?  Devastated, inconsolable?  Or convinced that you learnt something from the experience and are better for it?

As I get older I realise that there is less I have to lose when taking risks.  Since I am single I have no partner or children to be concerned or upset if we end up moving or if I take a job with drastically different hours.  I also realise that I am less concerned with other people's opinions and that no one can tell me what chances I need to take but myself.  By willing to be open to risks I have many more opportunities available to me although they do need to be thought out carefully.  That is where taking risks hurt me in the past - I would often dive in without thinking of the personal consequences.  Could I really live with this job?  Or was I so happy that I got an offer that I did not think about the actual job responsibilities and if they actually matched with my values?

Before taking risks seemed scary to me but I know now I can survive moves, challenging social work jobs and being away from my family.  Now risks feel more like calculated adventures whereby the pros and cons are weighed before I ultimately make the leap into the unknown.

Finding Peace

Like many people, I struggle with finding peace from time to time. It usually works like this: I feel peaceful about how things are going at my job but on the personal side, my life could use a little work. Or else things are going great in my personal life but I am at a crossroads about work. It seems I can never have both.

It takes a lot of time and effort to find peace in our lives. First, we have to learn that it does not come from an eternal source - having a high status job, awesome boyfriend or perfect home. No, it comes from within and we find it when we develop our own sense of integrity, honesty and genuineness. It means finding happiness within ourselves and with who we intrinsically are.

For some, it can take years to discover this while for others they may never obtain it in their lifetime. To create that balance we must constantly re-evaluate our decisions to ensure they mesh with our values. This isn't so easy if you're in the field of social work. We are consistently faced with having to make tough decisions that in a perfect world we would not make. It's hard hurting people when all you want to do is help them. We can blame the system but really we are the administrators of the policies and programs. Overall, it's a hard road no matter how you look at it.

And of course being so busy at work leaves us little opportunity in our downtime to consider the decisions we make in our personal lives. Usually, we focus on trying to maintain our personal relationships and ensure only the most necessary of tasks get done. Therefore, it takes a conscious effort to spend a little time each day, week or month to ask ourselves if we are on the right path. The path can include if we are happy with our close personal relationships, spirituality, life goals etc. If there is a nagging feeling about any of these areas than there is a good chance that it needs to be examined. We can ask ourselves what needs to change for us to feel more peaceful about it?

Of course there are always areas of our life that we would like to work on or change. But we have to accept that we will never be perfect and we will always make mistakes (even if they aren't intentional). We cannot predict the future with no matter how much planning we do, and that has been something that I have finally learnt to accept. I can hope for good things to happen in my life and do everything in my power to prepare for these opportunities but I don't know what is going to happen. All I can say is that getting to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses can give you peace because immediately you will know if you are on the wrong track if your actions do not match with who you really are. And you can't mould yourself to try and fit a situation (whether personal or work related) because you're not being true to yourself. This will only lead to unhappiness and misery.

From a work perspective, as I've likely mentioned before, you have to decide what overall type of social work you can live with. Some people thrive with front line duties while others, say, enjoy policy. It takes time and a lot of investigation to see where we best fit. And how you will know you are in the right place is by the feeling you get when you think about your job - are you dreading it or do you feel generally content about the work you do?

Peacefulness comes from the assertion that we are where we need to be and knowing that we have done everything in our power to make decisions that are true to ourselves. And I have all the faith in the world that if we stick to the path that is uniquely ours, than we will continue to be on the road to peace.


 

Personal Safety

One of my favourite topics is personal safety and I am known to many in the social work field to take this VERY seriously.

I believe that social workers are at particular risk of being verbally or physically assaulted due to the work we often do with dangerous and/or unstable client populations.  This could include corrections, the mentally ill, high risk teens, and those experiencing addictions issues.  These types of clients may not always have control of their actions so it is important that you think proactively so that neither you nor your client gets in trouble!

So in the most logical of terms what does this mean?  I touched upon a few of these points in previous posts.  They include:

• Before meeting with a client, especially a new one try to gain as much information as possible.  Do they suffer from any issues that may affect your personal safety or are they known to be violent?  If so, meet them at the office, with another worker or with the police.
• Always tell you supervisor and co-workers where you are if you are meeting a client outside of the office.  Give them an estimated time when you will be back and bring a fully charged cell phone with you.
• If you suspect that a client is stalking you by hanging around outside the office where you work, inform your supervisor immediately and make a plan of going to your vehicle with a co-worker at the end of the day.  Another tip would be not parking in a highly visible area so the client does not learn what vehicle you drive.  Always make a plan to arrive at work at the same time as another co-worker as well.  Also contact the police if you truly believe this client could pose serious physical harm to yourself.
• Never give clients personal information such as your phone number, your address or what neighbourhood you live in, where your family members or close friends live, or any places you frequent regularly.
• When clients ask personal questions deflect back to the situation and why you are meeting with them.  If you do not feel comfortable saying if you have children or are married then DO NOT DO SO.  It is perfectly alright to draw that line.
• When meeting with highly violent clients be conscious of wearing any objects that you could be choked with such as loose jewellery or scarves.  Try and keep a safe physical distance between yourself and the client as much as possible.
• Always sit near an exit point and ensure the client is not blocking access to any of these points.
• If you do not feel comfortable meeting with a client alone then you have the right to refuse.  Wait until another worker or police officer can attend with you.  ALWAYS listen to your instincts.
• Take personal safety courses and self defence courses to ensure that you are prepared for the worst situations.
• If you get attacked, remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, seek medical assistance (if necessary) and inform your supervisor immediately.  Take pictures if you have any noticeable marks and contact the police.  You might also want to meet with a counsellor if you feel like you need the psychological support.

There are social work jobs that are inherently more dangerous to our personal safety than others.  Verbal abuse seems to be a common theme however no matter what social work area you work in.  Honestly ask yourself how much risk you can live with and adapt your work environment to meet your needs.  It could mean changing jobs or even changing careers if the potential risk to your physical and mental safety becomes too much.  Because sometimes you can't put a price on peace of mind.

Workers Compensation

It took me a while to write about this topic.  Why, you ask?  It is because in the past I got injured at work and had to deal with Workers Compensation.  And it takes a lot of time to get over it.

Here are some examples of what I had to deal with:

• Multiple assessments that were out of town
• Having to defend my symptoms
• Having to attend seemingly endless doctor's appointments
• Receiving offensive Workers Compensation letters whereby information was twisted
• Pressure to return to my job when I was not physically ready
• Given arbitrary dates when I "should" return to work which was not based on my family doctor's recommendations
• Diagnosis changed by Workers Compensation Medical Consultants when they had not even met with me

In general I felt that dealing with Workers Compensation was more traumatic than getting injured.  I had never dealt with Workers Compensation before and I found it a very complicated process.  I often felt like a criminal when I was actually a victim.  However, I am very thankful that I had a supportive and knowledgeable family doctor that forced me to take my symptoms seriously and did not rush me in any way to return to work before I was ready.

Another thing that helped was speaking to my Union representative who assured me I was on the right track with the process.  The Union representative also agreed to attend any future meetings with me.

I was also grateful for the support I received from co-workers that I bumped into while I was off.  They assured me that my injury was serious and that no, I should not return to work if I was not physically ready.  My injury was an isolating one because there were not a lot of obvious physical symptoms.  One of my greatest worries were that people thought I was faking my injury.  But finding discussion boards online helped me to see that many people with my condition felt the same way.  It made me feel less alone and got me through some hard times.

I know that my injury has changed me profoundly.  I do not have the energy I used to, I no longer participate in heavy physical activities and in general I am more cautious about getting hurt again.  Some of my symptoms may be permanent which in the beginning was a hard fact to deal with.  But in many ways it has made me appreciate the more important things in life like my family.  I have to consider things I never used to before to look out for my best interests and I often reject the pressure that other people want to put on me because I am more aware of my limitations.  I am no longer a superwoman but it was a wake-up call I so desperately needed.  I now make decisions based on my well-being instead of financial gains etc.

I can also no longer handle the amount of stress that I used to.  So that has made finding appropriate social work jobs fun since I have many criteria that it must fit before I even apply.  I have decided that I want to be in this field for the long haul so I don't want to burn out from a job that is above my abilities. 

Now for all of those reading this post who have gotten injured at work, you have my greatest sympathy.  It is an isolating process and overwhelming, especially when you are dealing with Workers Compensation. 

To assist those early in this process I have come up with some tips:

• Report your injury immediately to your employer and receive medical assistance as soon as possible
• Ensure that you, your doctor and your employer complete all necessary Workers Compensation documentation
• Keep records of the contact you had with your employer after your injury.  Do not make promises or give dates when you can return to work until it is confirmed by your doctor
• Seek support from your Union, a Workers Compensation advocate (not affiliated with them) or a trusted family member or friend who will ensure that your best interests are being considered and that you are not being coerced  back to work before you are ready
• Keep records of all doctor's appointments attended.  Also, attend the doctor as frequently as Workers Compensation determines since you do not want to give them a reason to cut you off for non-compliance
• Attend all assessments arranged by Workers Compensation.  If you are participating in a physical test stop when you are in pain as you do not want to make your injury worse
• Before speaking with your Workers Compensation caseworker write down what your current symptoms are and stick to them even if the caseworker questions you about them
• The Workers Compensation caseworker may try and get you to say that your symptoms are due to a previous condition before the injury.  Be honest since all your previous medical information will eventually come to light.  However, DO NOT ADMIT THIS UNLESS IT IS TRUE.  Do not let the caseworker pressure you even though it does take a toll on you emotionally
• Access counselling through work if it is available to help assist with any strong feelings about the injury, the treatment process or Workers Compensation.
• If you are given modified work, ensure with your doctor that you are working the appropriate amount of hours and are completing acceptable duties that match your current abilities
• Even though your employer and Workers Compensation will want you to return to your previous job you have to accept that you may not be able to and that is alright.  There may be some shock or sadness when you determine this but in my case it forced me to make a change that I really needed
• Apply for short term/long term disability insurance as necessary.  Ensure that you give enough time to have all paperwork completed so that you will continually receive an income.

Although my injury was an unfortunate experience it has made me stronger and less willing to compromise when it comes to my health.  To be honest, I never saw it coming and it made me realise that I am not invincible - which is another social work lesson which I had to learn!

Because of this experience I feel like I am a stronger person both physically and mentally.  I AM A SURVIVOR.  And I now know that if I can handle this difficult experience I can handle almost anything!

Self Doubt

Self doubt.  It's one of social work's dirty little secrets.

They don't tell you while you are in school that many times you will: feel inadequate that you can't keep up with the work, be there for all your clients at all times, not feel that you are totally competent in your position, have guilt when you make a mistake, and get burnt out and disappointed when you can't rise above it.

I wonder if it is the need to help others that put us in the position.  Social work is a noble calling and it attracts a lot good hearted achievers.  Many of us are selfless, determined not to give up in the most dire of circumstances and are self-critical when we can't meet the impossible standards set upon us.  We rush throughout the day making phone calls, checking emails, attending meetings and doing paperwork and it is only at the end of the day that we feel we have not accomplished very much -because there are still things left on the to do list.

To be honest, it is a system meant to fail.  There are too many responsibilities given to social workers and there is often pressure to "just get it done somehow" when we have no idea how to prioritise all the tasks that seem to be important.  There is no time left to breathe, ask questions and analyse.  Sometimes I think the answers that we are looking for would come to us if we only had a moment of quiet.  We are constantly multi-tasking until we punch out at the end of the day and we wonder why we can't relax when we get home. 

Being honest and admitting the workload is too much is not looked on well by some supervisors who are also being pressured by higher ups.  We also feel like we can't be there for our clients because of all the administrative tasks that need to be completed.  Nobody says it's ok to be overwhelmed at times, and often the majority of support comes from understanding co-workers.  However, you have to be careful who you are honest with depending on the office politics. 

Social workers are not super human, even if they would like to be or are told they should be.  They are human beings, with flaws, trying to do the best work they can.  Family members often do not understand the frustrations, nor do the public as many do not have a favourable opinion of social workers.

Then there is the group that become so disillusioned that they feel they no longer belong in this profession.  I can't tell you how many times I've thought this myself and came this close throwing in the social work towel.  But how come I didn't?  I admit my weaknesses and the situations that are above what I can handle.  So I avoid those positions as much as I can but it's a tough learning curve.  I had to figure out I was not made for front line child welfare, even if I did feel like I belonged in child welfare overall.  It takes time to figure out your place in the field where you can balance out acceptable responsibilities with challenges. 

We all feel overwhelmed at times but if you want to survive in this field you have to come to peace with the overall nature of the job.  Many things are out of your control and you just have to accept that.  Try not to take the opinions of supervisors, unsupportive co-workers and clients seriously because your worth is determined by more than your job.  And that is what social work is - a job.  If it becomes a mission in life too often will we become disappointed when we feel that we cannot live up to the high standards that we set for ourselves.